I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize