Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
