he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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