everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So vagazzling was a success
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
