i'm signing you up for texting rehab
never play flip cup with pint glasses
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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