How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
