mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
