On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
