she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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