If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
