Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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