I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize