There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
