I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
