Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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