I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My bed smells like the plague
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
