i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
