we made out on top of his cat.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
