Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
