that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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