Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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