Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
