If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize