Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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