It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize