genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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