My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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