bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
