Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
