Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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