Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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