Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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