Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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