Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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