he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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