I'm going to jail i love you
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
