Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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