A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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