I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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