I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
