So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
