I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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