Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
