No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
