I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
