I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize