OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize