my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
