I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We have started to decorate penises.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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