I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
