we have pet lesbian snakes
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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