You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
