So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
