Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
