There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
