Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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