he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
