There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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