I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
