Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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