i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
