you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
