Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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