pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The power of my boobs compel you
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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