I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
