i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My ATM looks so different sober.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
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