Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we're making bets on your personal life
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
