I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
