Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just gargled with NyQuil
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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