At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
